How to Lose a Girl in 10 Ways

September 21, 2015

In the wise and prophetic words of Isaiah Washington’s character in Love Jones, “Falling in love ain’t sh**! Can someone tell me how to stay in love?” In a single lifetime, the average person will experience more failed relationships than successful ones. I’ve watched and endured the roller coaster of dating long enough to see where both men and women tend to get it wrong.  Usually, it’s somewhere between the hellos and goodbyes but maybe I’m stating the obvious.

Buried comfortably within the walls of every ‘relationship’ are unwritten rules. Rules born from expectations that while never discussed, are assumed and fully embraced. The disappointment created when those rules are broken results in detached, defeated, and doubtful women.   Women that slowly slip away without her guy ever truly understanding what happened.  If you can’t figure out why your woman considers leaving, has already left, or just placed one foot on the other side of the proverbial door, this post is for you.

Guys, here are a few simple ways to find yourself on the wrong side of a love song:

Do the exact opposite of what she asks

As women, we tend to be very specific unless it benefits us to be vague. If we give you a roadmap to our wants/needs and you decide to take a detour or dismiss what we’ve requested altogether, you’ve demonstrated a total disregard for our feelings and our role in your life. If you can’t figure out how to show her more affection (holding hands, rubs on the back, pecks on the cheek, etc) or take her out for dinner at least once a week after she’s asked several times, you may as well pack your bags. Don’t be surprised when someone uses the map you discarded to lead them straight to her heart.

Leave her empty

While the whole love tank thing may be a bit overexposed at this point, it’s still a subtle analogy supporting a powerful point. A woman wants to be nurtured, cared for, and cared about by her man. Honestly, we prefer receiving daily displays of adoration but settle for less for a fear of disappointment. If you wonder why your woman has a faraway look in her eyes, or possibly another man’s number on speed dial, it’s most likely because you never thought to give her a refill.

Discourage her dreams

No one wants to battle the world by day and their significant other at night. There are enough naysayers in her inner and outer circle discouraging dreams and challenging hopes without the addition of her most trusted confidante. A woman needs a man that hears her hopes and wants to support her while she pursues her passion. Women can sense when a man feels challenged by her success. However, more women are deciding to lose the man instead of letting go of their dreams. Don’t find yourself watching her success from a distance.

Make her a “choice” vs. a “priority”

The quote, “Never make someone a priority that makes you a choice” is pure gold. As women we commonly fall into the trap of doting over men that rarely give us a second thought or a sideways glance. We fight with our families, sacrifice friendships, and lose sleep over men that consistently ignore our needs, hurt our hearts and handicap our dreams. If you want to keep your woman, you have to give her the loving care she gives you or she’ll one day choose to exit your life for good.

Make the truth optional

‘Lies don’t ruin relationships, the truth does.’ Being honest and forthright should be a given however, I’ve heard guys admit to lying in an effort to spare the woman’s feelings or to avoid an apparent argument. Hopefully guys will one day understand that once a lie is exposed, a woman becomes disappointed in you for the truth you tried to hide and the lie you used to cover it up. Regardless of how bad you think it might be, honesty is the best policy. Respect her enough to trust her with your truth or suffer as you watch her walk away.

Leave compliments to Hallmark

I wholeheartedly agree with Chris Rock that women need compliments. I’ve dated enough guys to know what I’m willing to sacrifice in a relationship and compliments aren’t anywhere on the list. We need to know you want us, are passionate about us, and can’t wait to see us. We want to hear the sincerity in your voice when you say we’re beautiful, smart, kind-hearted, caring, and attractive. Don’t underestimate how much the affecting sound of your voice can affirm the vulnerable parts of our being. A static message from an assembly line greeting card will never compare to a man articulating what he believes is etched on his heart.

Allow silence to speak for you

There are two very good reasons why men should never let silence speak for them. First, women think too much. Left to our own devices, we’ll create full conversations you never had and analyze actions you never took. By the time you choose to speak, we’re already upset about the fantasy we’ve created in our own minds and you won’t know why you’re in an argument in the first place. Second, silence usually confirms any and all of our negative suspicions. So when you choose not to tell us what you think, how you feel, and why you did what you did, we take your silence to mean the worst-case scenario. A lot of women have left men over that which was never said. Advice: If you love her, say it. If you think she’s the best part of your day/life, say it. If you don’t want to lose her, say it. If you’re afraid of getting hurt, open up and tell her. If you wait too long, she won’t be around to hear it and never forget – a man can’t expect to reap what he never sowed.

Try to buy your way to love

There is not a direct relationship between how much you spend and how much she’ll love you. I’ve had friends express how quickly things were disintegrating in their relationships but instead of their significant other trying to work on the aspects that mattered (communication, intimacy, compliments, quality time, etc), he chose to surprise her with diamonds, handbags, and trips. I’m not in any way suggesting men stop doing these things because they have their place. However, most women will agree that investing in the material doesn’t allow a man to forego genuine effort. A woman would rather a man learn how to freely give her the things she needs before purchasing the things she may or may not even want.

Chasing/Choosing the unknown 

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”

A close relative to #4, this way is more tempting, less tangible and a guaranteed trigger. For many women, there is value in accepting and appreciating the known rather than seeking the possibility of something greater that could ultimately amount to nothing. Especially when everything is going well with the man to whom we’ve already committed (loosely or formally). When a man tells a woman he wants to ‘explore’ other options while also having her close by his side, he creates insecurities and thoughts of inadequacy. His simple words magnify in her ears and echo themes of ‘having you here just isn’t enough for me’ or ‘I’d rather take my chance with anyone else versus simply being with just you’ and don’t forget, ‘I love you and would like to see where this goes but can I have my cake and eat it too?’ I’m sure most women don’t enjoy being on a man’s back burner and that’s precisely where being with a man that chases the unknown will land her. Guys, learn when it’s appropriate to fish and when you’ve already landed the Big Catch. Not every woman deserves your commitment but when you find one that does, hold on to her. You’ll soon learn how few of these opportunities will come your way. If you choose to chase the wrong one, the right one won’t stick around long enough for your apologies and regret.

Stop fighting with/for her

When a woman and man first connect, it’s like unicorns and rainbows. Everything is lovely and neither can do wrong in the other’s eyes. Over time reality sets in and this thing called life throws a few tests their way. In the most challenging moments when it’s easy to give up and give in, a woman wants to know her man is capable of fighting for her. She wants to believe he wouldn’t throw in the towel with a dismissive flip of the wrist. Unfortunately, I’ve seen this in relationships ranging from serious dating to marriage. Husbands were too busy being frustrated with her conversations/shopping habits/nagging and whatever else you can think of and forgot to fight for the woman they loved. Even though their hearts committed to her as a life partner, they treated her like a temporary resident. Instead of trying to mend the brokenness within their relationships, they sought refuge in someone else’s arms or in their own minds. Don’t forget the importance of maintenance. You’d never buy a vehicle without proper upkeep so why treat your relationship differently? Not in any way saying women are cars, but she fell in love with you because of what you showed her. Commit to maintaining the communication, consideration, and chemistry you had in the beginning. If you consider her, respect her and give her what she needs, she’ll return it tenfold.

Originally posted Sept 3, 2013.

HAVE YOU READ “4 REASONS WE DATE PROJECTS” – CHECK IT OUT! 

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10 Comments

  • Reply Carolyn Cotton November 7, 2015 at 5:25 PM

    Great post! Leaving her empty really spoke to me. I have experienced that more times than I care to recount in relationships. Your words are always right on the mark! Go Famuly!

  • Reply The Selfish, Unnecessary Act of Closure | Renita's Mynd Matters November 12, 2014 at 10:55 AM

    […] a previous post, How to Lose a Girl in 10 Ways, I mention the effect of allowing silence to speak for you. Well, closure conversations might be […]

  • Reply 5 Questions Men Should Ask Before Approaching Women | Renita's Mynd Matters | Renita's Mynd Matters August 15, 2014 at 9:29 AM

    […] 5. Are you prepared for a No? If you cannot handle her possibly rejecting your advances, rethink the situation. Being equally comfortable accepting a yes or no equates to maturity and confidence. I’ve witnessed guys get defensive, call the woman names or commit some other equally disrespectful act simply because she didn’t want to offer her phone number. Know yourself well enough to know if you can receive whatever she says without making a scene or becoming a nuisance. Note: ‘No’ does not mean try harder. Most times, no really does mean No. Get used to it, be comfortable with it, and don’t take it as a personal insult. Read more here: HOW TO LOSE A GIRL IN 10 WAYS […]

  • Reply Should We All Want a Boring Kind of Love? | Renita's Mynd Matters | Renita's Mynd Matters March 5, 2014 at 4:13 AM

    […] ENJOYED THIS BLOG? CHECK OUT “HOW TO LOSE A GIRL IN 10 WAYS“ […]

  • Reply Chasity September 13, 2013 at 6:10 PM

    Love!! This is awesome! can’t wait to read more !!

  • Reply Conrod "Topic Box" Kelly September 4, 2013 at 1:17 PM

    Great blog post. From the male perspective, I guess I have two questions.

    1) What role does the woman play in contributing to a man’s behavior?
    2) Do women ever seek to understand why a man thinks or acts the way he does?

    Our behavior may be the result of our upbringing, certain beliefs we have about ourselves, or previous relationship experiences. We all bring baggage (good or bad) into relationships. Communication (asking the right questions and listening) is the key for getting it all on the table, so a plan can be crafted for how to make both of your “stuff” support the goals of the relationship. Managing expectations is key, but managing a relationship is even bigger. Too many people are just winging it.

    TEACH ME HOW TO LOVE YOU & THEN LET ME LOVE YOU THE BEST WAY I KNOW HOW

    • Reply Renita Bryant, Author September 9, 2013 at 8:51 PM

      Thanks for your post and offering the male POV! I will try to respond to your questions but I definitely may not speak for all women.

      1) I believe women play a role by making concessions that directly go against their own interests. We have to take responsibility for allowing behaviors and not communicating our frustrations, needs, desires, concerns, as they occur. However, men also have to realize how difficult it is to give you guys feedback without coming across as nagging/pushy.

      2) I ask a lot of questions so I have a biased opinion. There are women that attempt to learn about their man and from their man. We want to get to know you guys and understand why you do the things you do. Again, you can’t always have a wall up and expect us to jump over it though. We need communication and partnership.

      I agree with your point. People have their own POVs and ways of doing things coming into a relationship. I’m not necessarily sold on the last sentence. The two parts are a bit contradictory. If I’m teaching you how to love me, that could include the way. If you choose to apply “your way” to it, that’s not loving me the way I need to be loved. A dating example – a woman wants more affection from her significant other. She tells him she wants to hold hands, receive pecks on the cheek, soft caresses on the arm when they’re in the car, etc. Now if he takes that and doesn’t do the things she asked but instead says he doesn’t feel comfortable with them, any solution he comes up with will be a compromise (concession) on her part. Is that fair if he’s supposed to be loving her in the way she needs?

  • Reply JEM05 September 4, 2013 at 8:55 AM

    I love the “Stop fighting for her”. I think that this one also encompasses a lot of the others. All relationships have their challenges and if a man seems quick walk away his silence communicates that you are a choice not a priority. No one wants to feel that their significant other can take them or leave them. But all of these are traps that I have seen ruin many relationships.

    • Reply Renita Bryant, Author September 9, 2013 at 8:42 PM

      That’s a good point. Some of these definitely overlap but it’s great to be able to get down to the heart of the issue in any relationship. Thanks for your post!

  • Reply Brittany September 3, 2013 at 9:57 PM

    I completely agree that men should not let silence speak for them. I experienced this in my last “relationship.” Ultimately it proved he didn’t care and at which point I had to pick up the pieces amd move forward..without expecting closure because I knew I’d never get it..

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