The Switch Up: Do Women Really Change in Relationships?

May 29, 2014

Lately, I’ve been pondering this notion of women pulling fast ones on men after receiving some form of commitment, generally an I Do. Based on discussions with friends and strangers alike, am I to believe men think women somehow magically shift from being the loving, genteel women of their dreams to nagging, criticizing beings at the flip of a switch? It’s become a recurring topic of conversation as close guy friends outright claim the sentiment as a universal truth. Anytime we discuss their dating lives, I hear how much ‘she changed.’ After several debates and denials, I was asked to assess past romantic relationships for signs I had at some point, stopped delivering that which had been originally offered and freely promised.

My initial thoughts …

Since delving deeper into Thirtyville dating, I’m forced to consider times when I’ve created a pseudo-reality for my beau. Trying to play back year after year of nodding yes when I should’ve been shaking my head ‘no’ left me exhausted and spent. It’s true. There were times in my past when I wasn’t the most forthcoming about what I liked, preferred or needed. Instead of offering transparency, I volunteered something less controversial and much more palatable. Back then, I assumed it was easier for a guy to accept all of me if he didn’t quite know what ‘all of me’ entailed. But I never changed. I only made slight modifications to the version of ‘me’ I presented to him. Wouldn’t the honest and more accurate description for many (possibly not ALL) women be, we didn’t change, we just got tired of pretending? 

I’m not excusing deception, simply articulating a more detailed explanation for why a person may love your attire/friends/hobbies/quirks one year and find them utterly annoying the next. Pretending is a barrier to successful relationships, romantic or otherwise, and here are few reasons women (and some men) role play in the worst way.

#1 We Crave Acceptance

We pretend because in a way, it satisfies a need to be liked and wanted by the other person. We want to be accepted and fear having someone dismiss us because our rough edges aren’t to their liking. Of course there’s a deeper reason we dare to dissect….


 #2 We Don’t Like Ourselves

Deep down, many people are unhappy with the truth of who they are so they invest lifetimes trying to highlight the good and re-create the bad. Thank God for 140 characters & status updates, right?


#3 We Don’t Know Ourselves

It’s easy to accept someone else’s preferences as your own if you’ve never taken time to develop a point-of-view. Be introspective. Understand what you like/want/need before trying to bond your life with another. Don’t force your partner to one day wake to a stranger.

We should all invest in getting to know the other person which takes more than a few dates. Ask questions and watch behavior. It’s easier to tell a lie than show the truth.

What do you think?  Post your comments below! 


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